\n\tJudith Graham<\/span><\/p>\n

You\u2019ve reached a standstill with your mother and father, who are in their late 80s. You think they need some help in the home, but they vigorously refuse. You\u2019re frustrated because you want to make their lives easier. They\u2019re angry because they think you\u2019re interfering in their affairs.<\/p>\n

Can negotiation and dispute resolution techniques used in the business world help defuse these kinds of conflicts?<\/p>\n

Yes, say a group of researchers at Northwestern University. And they\u2019re on to something.<\/p>\n

These experts have developed a training curriculum on negotiation and dispute resolution for social workers, care managers, and health care professionals who regularly work with resistant older adults. Materials for family caregivers are being developed, too.<\/p>\n

Instead of avoiding difficult issues or simply telling people what to do (\u201cYou\u2019ll need home health aides several times a week for the foreseeable future\u201d), professionals learn to elicit what\u2019s most important to older adults and approach arranging care as a collaboration, not an edict from on high.<\/p>\n

\u201cPeople get into so many arguments when they get older. It\u2019s something I see every day in my work,\u201d said Lee Lindquist, chief of geriatrics at Northwestern University\u2019s Feinberg School of Medicine, who\u2019s leading the project. Its goal is to de-escalate conflicts and make it easier for older people to receive needed support, she said.<\/p>\n

In May, Lindquist and her team planned to launch another part of the project: a trial of a computer-based training program for family caregivers of people with mild cognitive impairment or early-stage dementia. The program, called NegotiAge, features avatars of older adults and allows caregivers to practice negotiation techniques under different scenarios.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou get thrown different situations, different emotions, and you get to play the game of negotiation as often as you want,\u201d Lindquist said. Nearly $4 million in funding for the project comes from the National Institutes of Health. After evaluating the program\u2019s effectiveness, Lindquist hopes to make NegotiAge widely available.<\/p>\n

In the meantime, there are several steps family caregivers can take to forestall or resolve conflicts with older parents.<\/p>\n

Prepare<\/strong><\/p>\n

Preparation is essential for any type of negotiation, advised Jeanne Brett, professor emerita of dispute resolution and organizations at Northwestern\u2019s Kellogg School of Management and a member of the NegotiAge team. \u201cYou want to think through answers to several fundamental questions: What issues need to be addressed? Who are the parties invested in these issues? What are the parties\u2019 positions on each of these issues? Why do you believe they\u2019re taking those positions? And what\u2019s going to happen if we can\u2019t reach an agreement?\u201d<\/p>\n

It\u2019s helpful to write down answers to these questions in a planning document. Be sure to include yourself among the parties and spell out your goals for the conversations to come.<\/p>\n

What might this look like in practice? Let\u2019s say you want your father, who\u2019s in his early 90s, to stop driving, because he\u2019s started getting lost and his vision isn\u2019t great. The people with a stake in the discussion include your father, your elderly mother, you, your two siblings, and your father\u2019s physician.<\/p>\n

Your mom may be concerned about your father\u2019s safety but hesitant to raise the issue for fear of provoking an argument. One of your siblings may agree it\u2019s time to take away the car keys, while the other may think Dad is still fine on the road. The doctor may recommend a driving evaluation and subsequently offer his professional opinion.<\/p>\n

Look for Common Interests<\/strong><\/p>\n

Your job is to find areas where these parties\u2019 interests intersect and work from there. Everyone wants your father to remain active and see his friends on a regular basis. Everyone wants to ensure he doesn\u2019t injure himself or anyone else on the road. Everyone wants to respect his desire for independence. No one wants to label him incompetent.<\/p>\n

Brett distinguishes between positions, such as \u201cI\u2019m not going to stop driving,\u201d and interests, or the reasons why someone takes a position. In this case, Dad may be afraid of becoming isolated, losing autonomy, or giving up control over his affairs. But he, too, may worry about hurting somebody else unintentionally.<\/p>\n

Negotiations have the best chance of success when they address the interests of all the parties involved, Brett noted. Don\u2019t adopt an adversarial approach. Rather, emphasize that you\u2019re on the same team. The goal isn\u2019t for one side to win; it\u2019s for people to work together to find a solution to the issue at hand.<\/p>\n

Ask Questions<\/strong><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t assume you know why your parent is taking a certain position (\u201cI don\u2019t want to go to the doctor\u201d). Instead, ask follow-up questions, such as \u201cWhy?\u201d or \u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n

If an older person snaps, \u201cI don\u2019t want to talk about it,\u201d don\u2019t back away. Acknowledge their discomfort by saying, \u201cI understand this is difficult,\u201d while adding, \u201cI care about you and I want to know more.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lindquist favors starting difficult discussions with patients with open-ended questions: \u201cWhat are some things you\u2019re having issues with? What are you doing that you wish you could be doing differently? What would make your life easier?\u201d<\/p>\n

Listening carefully and making the person you\u2019re negotiating with feel heard and respected is essential. If one of Lindquist\u2019s patients tells her, \u201cI make my own choices, and this is what I want,\u201d she might respond, \u201cI agree you\u2019re the boss, but we\u2019re both here to make your life better, and I\u2019m worried about you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Brainstorm Strategies<\/strong><\/p>\n

Negotiations with family members are often charged with emotions that can easily spiral out of control. But don\u2019t reciprocate if someone gets angry and lashes out.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you\u2019re buying a car, if you can\u2019t agree with the dealer you\u2019re talking to, you can go to another dealer. When you\u2019re in a conflict with a family member, you don\u2019t have this option. You\u2019ve got more stubbornness and more defensiveness about disabilities,\u201d Brett said, \u201cand preserving relationships is even more important.\u201d<\/p>\n

Redirect your focus to brainstorming strategies that can help solve the problem at hand. Get creative and put lots of options on the table. Invite your parent to respond and ask \u201cWhy?\u201d or \u201cWhy not?\u201d again as needed.<\/p>\n

If you find yourself going round and round without making progress, try saying something like, \u201cWe could argue about this all afternoon, but neither one of us is going to give in. Let\u2019s set aside our arguments and come up with five ways that you can get to activities without your car,\u201d Brett said.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t expect to agree on a strategy right away. \u201cYou can say, \u2018Let\u2019s bring in Mom and talk about this later,\u2019 or, \u2018Let\u2019s think about this and check in with each other next week,\u2019\u201d Lindquist suggested, noting that many negotiations take time and can\u2019t be rushed.<\/p>\n

Bring In a Third Party<\/strong><\/p>\n

If all else fails, appeal to a third party. This was Brett\u2019s strategy when her husband, who has Parkinson\u2019s disease and compromised vision, wanted to resume driving in 2021 after recovering from a serious fall. Brett and the couple\u2019s daughter couldn\u2019t convince him this might be risky, but the older man, then 89, agreed to get a driving evaluation at a facility associated with a Chicago hospital. When they recommended he stop driving, he gave up the car keys.<\/p>\n

Brett later hired a neighbor in the small town in France where they now live to ferry her husband to appointments several times a week. Twice a week, she drives him to a nearby village where he has coffee with friends. He gets out into the world and she doesn\u2019t worry about safety \u2014 an outcome both can live with.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re eager to hear from readers about questions you\u2019d like answered, problems you\u2019ve been having with your care, and advice you need in dealing with the health care system. Visit\u00a0kffhealthnews.org\/columnists<\/a>\u00a0to submit your requests or tips.<\/em><\/p>\n

KFF Health News<\/a> is a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues and is one of the core operating programs at KFF\u2014an independent source of health policy research, polling, and journalism. Learn more about KFF<\/a>.<\/p>\n

USE OUR CONTENT<\/h3>\n
This story can be republished for free (details<\/a>).<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Judith Graham You\u2019ve reached a standstill with your mother and father, who are in their late 80s. You think they need some help in the home, but they vigorously refuse. You\u2019re frustrated because you want to make their lives easier. They\u2019re angry because they think you\u2019re interfering in their affairs. Can negotiation and dispute resolution […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1345,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1344","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-aging"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/healthynewsusa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1344","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/healthynewsusa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/healthynewsusa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healthynewsusa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healthynewsusa.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1344"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/healthynewsusa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1344\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1346,"href":"https:\/\/healthynewsusa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1344\/revisions\/1346"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healthynewsusa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1345"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/healthynewsusa.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1344"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healthynewsusa.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1344"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healthynewsusa.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1344"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}