{"id":1658,"date":"2023-08-23T09:56:51","date_gmt":"2023-08-23T09:56:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/healthynewsusa.com\/?p=1658"},"modified":"2023-08-23T09:56:54","modified_gmt":"2023-08-23T09:56:54","slug":"naming-suicide-in-obits-was-once-taboo-changing-that-can-help-loved-ones-grieve","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/healthynewsusa.com\/?p=1658","title":{"rendered":"Naming Suicide in Obits Was Once Taboo. Changing That Can Help Loved Ones Grieve."},"content":{"rendered":"
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When Deborah and Warren Blum\u2019s 16-year-old died by suicide in November 2021, they went into shock. For two days, the grief-stricken Los Angeles couple didn\u2019t sleep.<\/p>\n

But when it came time to write a death notice, Deborah Blum was clearheaded: In a heartfelt tribute<\/a> to her smart, funny, popular child, who had recently come out as nonbinary, she was open and specific about the mental health struggles that led to Esther Iris\u2019 death.<\/p>\n

\u201cEsther\u2019s whole thing was that people should know and talk about mental health and it shouldn\u2019t be a secret,\u201d Deborah Blum told KFF Health News. \u201cThe least I could do was to be honest and tell people. I think being embarrassed just makes it worse.\u201d<\/p>\n

While it was once unheard-of to mention suicide as a cause of death in news obituaries and paid death notices, that has been changing, especially in the past 10 years, said Dan Reidenberg, a psychologist and managing director of The National Council for Suicide Prevention<\/a>. High-profile suicides \u2014 such as those of comic actor Robin Williams in 2014, fashion designer Kate Spade in 2018, and dancer Stephen \u201ctWitch\u201d Boss in 2022 \u2014 have helped reduce the stigma surrounding suicide loss. So has advertising for depression and anxiety medications, which has helped normalize that mental illnesses are health conditions. The covid-19 pandemic also drew attention to the prevalence of mental health challenges.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe stigma is changing,\u201d Reidenberg said. \u201cThere is still some, but it\u2019s less than it used to be, and that\u2019s increasing people\u2019s willingness to include it in an obituary.\u201d<\/p>\n

While there\u2019s no right or wrong way to write death announcements, mental health and grief experts said the reluctance to acknowledge suicide has implications beyond the confines of a public notice. The stigma attached to the word affects everything from how people grieve to how people help prevent others from ending their own lives.<\/p>\n

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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\tDeborah Blum in the bedroom of her teen, Esther Iris, who died by suicide. \u201cThe least I could do was to be honest and tell people,\u201d she says. \u201cI think being embarrassed just makes it worse.\u201d\t\t\t\t\t\t(Lauren Justice for KFF Health News)<\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p><\/div>\n
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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\tA surfboard in memory of Esther Iris Blum, with notes from their community written on it, is outside the Blum home in Los Angeles. \t\t\t\t\t\t(Lauren Justice for KFF Health News)<\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n

Research shows that talking about suicide can help reduce suicidal thoughts<\/a>, but studies have also found that spikes in suicide rates<\/a> can follow news reports about someone dying that way \u2014 a phenomenon known as \u201csuicide contagion<\/a>.\u201d The latter is an argument people make for not acknowledging suicide in obituaries and death notices.<\/p>\n

However, Reidenberg said, the subject can be addressed responsibly. That includes telling a balanced story, similar to what Deborah Blum did, acknowledging Esther Iris\u2019 accomplishments as well as their struggles. It means leaving out details about the method or location of the death, and not glorifying the deceased in a way that might encourage vulnerable readers to think dying by suicide is a good way to get attention.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe don\u2019t ever want to normalize suicide, but we don\u2019t want to normalize that people can\u2019t have a conversation about suicide,\u201d Reidenberg said.<\/p>\n

Having that conversation is an important part of the grieving process, said Holly Prigerson<\/a>, a professor of sociology in medicine at Weill Cornell Medical College in New York and an expert on prolonged grief disorder<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\u201cPart of adjusting to the loss of someone is coming up with a story of what happened and why,\u201d she said. \u201cTo the extent that you can\u2019t be honest and acknowledge what happened if it\u2019s a death due to suicide, that will complicate, if not impede, your ability to fully and accurately process your loss.\u201d<\/p>\n

People close to the deceased often know when a death was by suicide, said Reidenberg, particularly in the case of young people. \u201cBeing honest can lead to information and awareness, whereas if we keep it shrouded in this big mystery it doesn\u2019t help,\u201d he added.<\/p>\n

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Deborah Blum at home in Los Angeles. \u201cEsther\u2019s whole thing was that people should know and talk about mental health and it shouldn\u2019t be a secret,\u201d she says. <\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

A study about caregiver depression<\/a> that Prigerson recently conducted identified avoidance as an impediment to healing from grief. \u201cNot acknowledging how someone died, denying the cause of death, avoiding the reality of what happened is a significant barrier to being able to adjust to what happened and to move forward,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

Researchers are increasingly seeing bereavement as a social process<\/a>, Prigerson said, and as social beings, people look to others for comfort and solace. That\u2019s another reason the stigma attached to suicide is harmful: It keeps people from opening up.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe stigma is based on the perception that others will judge you as being an inadequate parent, or not having done enough,\u201d Prigerson said. \u201cThis whole thing with obituaries is all about others \u2014 it\u2019s about how people are going to read what happened and think less of you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Stigma, shame, and embarrassment are among the reasons grieving family members have traditionally avoided acknowledging suicide in obituaries and death notices. It\u2019s also why, if they do, they may be more likely to address it indirectly, either by describing the death as \u201csudden and unexpected\u201d or by soliciting donations for mental health programs.<\/p>\n

Economics can also factor in \u2014 sometimes people are secretive because of life insurance plans that exclude payouts for suicides. Sometimes they\u2019re trying to protect reputations, theirs as well as those of the deceased, particularly in religious communities where suicide is considered a sin.<\/p>\n

Sometimes they\u2019re operating under what Adam Bernstein, the obituary editor at The Washington Post, sees as \u201ca mistaken belief\u201d that an obituary is a form of eulogy that should speak to the highest memories of a person, and suicide doesn\u2019t fit that agenda. People don\u2019t include the word in paid death notices for the same reason. Bernstein, who is also president of The Society of Professional Obituary Writers<\/a>, said that at the Post, obituaries mention suicide when the reporter can confirm it as a cause of death.<\/p>\n

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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\tA card Esther Iris Blum made for their dad hangs on the wall at their home in Los Angeles.\t\t\t\t\t\t(Lauren Justice for KFF Health News)<\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p><\/div>\n
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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\tDeborah Blum holds a photo of her teen, Esther Iris, who was 16 when they died by suicide, in 2021.\t\t\t\t\t\t(Lauren Justice for KFF Health News)<\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n

Avoiding the word suicide doesn\u2019t necessarily mean someone is in denial. In the days after a loss, which is when most obituaries and death announcements are written, it\u2019s often profoundly difficult to face the truth, especially in the case of suicide, according to Doreen Marshall<\/a>, a\u00a0psychologist and former\u00a0<\/strong>vice president at the\u00a0American Foundation for Suicide Prevention<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Even when people can admit the truth to themselves, they might have trouble expressing it to others, said Joanne Harpel<\/a>, a suicide bereavement expert in New York who works with mourners through her business, Coping After Suicide. In the support groups she runs, she said, people vary in how open they are willing to be. For example, in the group for mothers who have lost a child to suicide, everyone acknowledges that reality \u2014 after all, that\u2019s why they\u2019re there \u2014 but they don\u2019t all do so the same way.<\/p>\n

\u201cSome of them will refer to \u2018when this happened\u2019 or \u2018before all this,\u2019\u201d Harpel said, cautioning against holding all mourners to the same standard. \u201cThey\u2019re not pretending it was something else, but using the word \u2018suicide\u2019 is so confronting and so painful that even in the safest context it\u2019s very, very hard for them to say it out loud.\u201d<\/p>\n

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Deborah Blum in the bedroom of her teen, Esther Iris, who died by suicide. Researchers are increasingly seeing bereavement as a social process, and as social beings, people look to others for comfort and solace. That\u2019s another reason the stigma attached to suicide is harmful: It keeps people from opening up.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n